Record review: You Don’t Masturbate – You Don’t Masturbate [Winning Sperm Party]


CAUTION! Do not listen to You Don’t Masturbate before 9am. Do not listen to You Don’t Masturbate if you have a massive hangover. In fact, it is probably best advised that the only time you should even listen to these incredibly nasty and cheeky noise merchants is when ‘swedgered out ones nut’.


I’m genuinely not too sure where to start with this release? Never before have I ever been so stumped with a review in my life.

If you think that is a gross over exaggeration – then perhaps the fact this band is called You Don’t Masturbate gives a little insight to just what we are dealing with here.

Song titles include ‘Theoretical Testicle’ and ‘Four Anorexics Go Clothes Shopping’; yes, really. Dear reader: I am as confused as you right now.

So okay, here we go. Maybe I’ll get the hang of this. So I grabbed a coffee, made it two – went mental and grabbed a third. Need more caffeine, eyes are bulging now.

What is going on? There are elephants slaying away, kettles boiling off the pot and eyes gauging out in a nauseated fashion? I think I actually quite like this?

Distorted pedals all over the shop. Slamming beats slipping into a Freudian slip is the only way I can truly describe these guys and even then it is an unfair and vague somewhat lame attempt at describing absolutely everything that is going on here.

‘Vegetable Valley’ desperately attempts to co ordinate itself in some sort of coherent fashion but instead meshes itself into an unaccountable mess, like the obliterated friend you left outside Sub Club after one too many sweeties.

That’s the charm here apparently; it only took me four coffees and a brimful of red bull to figure out. Brilliant.

Words: Chris Kelman


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